To a Small Audience

 Blogger has been my medium for communication for over ten years now. I've seen how it works, and I'm pretty familiar with it, even through its changes. I have a very few followers, but hundreds of thousands of hits. 

I only get massive hits when I share on social media. Most people do not come here without the channel of social media. 

That said, today I am not going to post this on social media. About eight of you will read this, but I need to say it, to be able to refer to it, to share it judiciously with those that must know. It's a public record, I know, but not widely known. 

The last sixteen months have been pivotal for me. How does one encompass such a change in one's life? 

I am one small person in a world of seven billion. I am one small, insignificant soul. I matter to few but God---who made me. I have small influence, small circles, small power to change anything. 

Yet I am a soul. I do matter to the Creator. 

Here is what the Creator has allowed in my life these past sixteen months. 

I have lost five relationships, starting with my brother. 

I lost my brother to alcohol abuse (he was killed by a drunk driver.)

I lost my husband to heart failure. 

I lost my best friend to Covid 19 fear.

I lost a trusted life-long friend to betrayal.

I lost a child to rebellion and mental instability.

Yes, I have lost much these past sixteen months. Remember, only about eight of you will know this, read this, see this. You eight can pray for me, knowing my deep heartache. 

I bring all of this to my Lord and God, the Creator of the Universe. He knows my heart and my suffering. He knows my innocence in all of this. I had zero ability to change any of these losses---they came out of nowhere. 

I had no clue any of this was going to happen. The revealing aspects of each loss can only be understood in hindsight, and for me (trying to analyze it all!) there is no reason. 

No reason other than SIN. 

Sin is damaging. 

My husband's death has been the easiest to understand. God appointed his days. He lived a life devoted to Christ and me, his children and his calling. My grief over his loss is pure and reasonable. This grief over-arches everything right now, but it is justified and real. 

With every other loss there is added heartache of unresolved pain. This pain is only manageable through complete reliance on God. By giving this over to Him I can walk through the motions of each day, accomplish the needs of those here, and function. 

I'm hurting. I'm looking for Jesus. I'm waiting on His return for me. 

Until then I will trust Him. I do not expect resolution. Damage has been devastating. There are scars and wounds that can only be healed by repentance and time. Some will never heal. I accept this now. I understand this now. 

God is bigger and His plan is good. 

I have the victory in Christ. These problems belong to Him.

Create in me a clean heart, Oh God! Renew a right spirit within me! Cast me not away from your presence, take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation---renew a right spirit within me.